Red Winged Black Bird on a fence post in a field.

Long Pointy Ears


Category: crafts

Some of you may have been thinking, ?Hey, how can I get long, pointy ears like in my favorite science fiction or fantasy series?? Well, LibertyBob is nothing if not helpful, so I?ve decided to pass the secrets of this amazing phenomenon on to you, the LibertyBob reader.

First you have to know a little something about the ear. There are a few parts to the human ear. The part that concerns this writing is the Outer Ear. You?ve probably seen the Outer Ear before; it?s the part that sticks out the sides of your head. Most of it is made out of something called cartilage. That?s the same stuff from which shark skeletons are made.

Cartilage is much softer and more workable than bone. That means that you can train it. We already know that people?s noses (more cartilage) and ears continue to grow throughout life. We?re going to take advantage of that for this project.

As with all LibertyBob craft projects, before you start you should consult with your physician, attorney, local law enforcement, psychiatrist, palm reader, past life self, inner child, etc.

First, get yourself some polymer clay. This is the stuff that is like children?s modeling clay but hardens up in the typical household oven. If you prefer to use a material with similar properties you are welcome to do so; I won?t get offended. You?ll also need some very sturdy wire or possibly some angle iron in the form of a mending plate.

Take four pieces of the wire (or angle iron) and put about a two centimeter diameter gob of polymer clay on the end of each. Take one of these conglomerations and mold the clay around the upper part of your outer ear following the internal curve. Make sure the wire is pointing up toward the top of your head.

With a second clay-wire mold the clay around the upper part of your outer ear but on the side that faces the side of your head. Again, make sure the wire is pointed up.

Keeping this set as a pair, use the other two to mold the opposite ear in the same fashion. Just a quick reminder, do not get polymer clay (or wire, for that matter) inside your ear.

When you have made these molded pieces, carefully bake them in accordance with the manufacturer?s instructions. You?ll find these instructions on the wrapper you mutilated while opening the stuff and then threw into the trash. You should always buy an extra block of polymer clay in a garish color that you will never use just to be sure that you will always have the instructions handy.

Once the pieces have cooled completely, you are ready to start using them. Get a couple of really strong rubber banks. Use these bands to hold the two pieces for each side together. This makes the molded pieces act like a clamp on your ears. Don?t clamp too hard or you may cut off circulation. No body likes gangrenous ears.

With the clamps attached to your ears, you will want to attach an elastic band between the two sets of clamps. Run the elastic over the top of your head to give a constant, upward pull on your ears. Over time, this pull will help train your ears to grow longer and pointier.

If you are careful, you can wear the contraption at night every night. Make sure your sleeping partner knows what to expect. (I?m just being polite. It is unlikely that a person who would do this would also have a sleeping partner.)

For added effects, you can make modification. For example, by pulling the elastic toward the back of your head you can train your ears to be long and back-pointing. You can also subtly change the molds to something other than the shape of your current ears to get extra width or pointiness. Of course, with a little help from an external apparatus you can pull your ears further from your head so they stick out in a freakish way.

Please bear in mind that I have not actually done any of this myself, nor do I know anyone who has. I just made it up and assume it would probably work. You have been duly warned. If you attempt to deform yourself in this fashion, you do so at your own risk and liability.

In particular, if you are a geek parent and you think it would be really cool if your infant had pointy ears, you may scar the child for life and end up being prosecuted for child abuse. Don?t do this to them. Children should be allowed to reach their teens and then do their own stupid stuff.

Finally, no where above did I suggest that you could use this technique on your pet or livestock (though I may have been thinking it). The warnings about infants go extra for animals. Do not deform your animals no matter how cool it would be.

Comments (4)
You gotta pick the right guy to do the job.
Go out now and vote for LibertyBob.
Urethron release!
Bladdertron is Go!