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Too Cool in Iowa

2004-08-17

Category: philosophies

The weather has been rather cool for an Iowan summer. Typically in August we should have temperatures well above 85°F and the humidity should be killing the elderly like Sudanese militants. For the past couple of weeks we have barely climbed to 80°F and we have been dry. I need to get to the bottom of this.

I started like I would any research project; I applied for a federal grant for several billion dollars. Since I didn't get that, I went on with the next step. I looked at the weather in other places around the world. The lack of grant money meant I had to rely on weather reports and other hearsay rather than travel to other places. As far as I could tell, I still had no answers.

Not being one to give up after only ten minutes, I mapped out my strategy for the remaining five minutes. I decided to do what I always do when I want information without doing any of the work. I asked the LibertyBob Psychic Department™.

They sent out one of their "Mindiac" losers in his black hooded-robe and I asked the appropriate questions.

LB: Do you know why you're here?

Mindiac: Yep.

LB: Why are you here?

Mindiac: I drew the short straw.

LB: That's not what I ? nevermind. Tell me, why is it unseasonably cool in Iowa this summer?

Mindiac: Weather patterns have been seriously disrupted all over. Heat is decreasing.

LB: What about global warming? Has that finally ended?

Mindiac: No, the planet is still getting warmer in general. The heat is just being siphoned off.

LB: That kind of imbalance could be serious. What is the cause?

Mindiac: It is an election year. Since neither presidential candidate is anything to write home about, they have to shout louder in the hopes that no one will notice the lack of substance. To maintain the momentum they need as much hot air as possible. That is the source of the heat drain.

LB: Two presidential candidates can drain that much heat out of the atmosphere?

Mindiac: Not on their own. The nation has become polarized by the campaigns. Without any realistic cause to support, people are arguing over petty and unrealistic pseudo-issues. As each side attacks more aggressively, the other must try to out do them. All of these groups and individuals suck up more heat all the time.

LB: By tree and leaf, that's horrible! Will the Earth be able to withstand this?

Mindiac: Probably, the Earth is a tough old broad and she can take a lot. Besides, this will all die down in January.

LB: January? Don't you mean November?

Mindiac: Sadly, no, I don't mean November. Those who support the loser will be loudest in defeat. There will be no peace after the election. With one side still needing all the hot air, winter will be horrifically cold. That will stop most protesters. High heating costs will stop the others.

LB: Which side is going to win?

Mindiac: I'm not saying. The other Mindiacs and me have a lot of money riding on the outcome of this election and we don't want to tip our hand about stuff. We need that extra money with what you pay us.

LB: There's nothing wrong with living on thirty-cent macaroni and potted meat. We'll talk about that later. For now, what can we do about the cold temperatures and the protesters freezing their bits off?

Mindiac: Since many believe that their jobs have gone over seas anyway, it's a good time to start everyone migrating to Mexico. It will be easy to convince a large portion of the population that Mexico is just another state. They can move there where it is warm. They will have jobs and sit out drinking margaritas all the time. If you convince them of this, they will leave and Mexico will probably not retaliate for several months.

LB: That might not be a bad idea. How will that affect Iowan weather?

Mindiac: With fewer people, the next elections will need less hot air. The climate will stabilize. The winters will be warmer and the decreased demand for heat will lower heating costs. The fact that the primary campaign issue will be how high to build the wall that keeps people from coming back from Mexico, there shouldn't be much hot air needed for that either.

LB: Well, that answers that. Now, how are you guys doing on finding Osama?

Mindiac: Who?

I really don't think those Mindiacs are worth the money I think about paying them. Anyway, that tells me why Iowa has had an unseasonably cool bit of weather this summer. I like cool weather so, as far as I'm concerned, the politicians can take the hot air as far from here as they can.


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