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Happy New Year

2004-12-31

Category: philosophies

People rarely visit websites throughout the holidays. The reason for this is that most web surfing happens on company time and people have time off during the holidays. The result is that the Hit Counter sits idle.

The big question is: If nobody is going to visit anyway, should I post new material? You don't want to waste your best material on posts that no one will ever see. On the other hand, you don't want to ignore those few intrepid surfers who now have more free time to visit. What ever is a blogger to do?

That's where this post comes in. It's my official New Year's Post. It contains not only this ramble but also an assortment of dissociated thoughts that aren't big enough to warrant a posting of their own. So here it goes. Please enjoy these random points and feel free to add points of your own.


There are over six billion people in the world. Just imagine how many of them, right this minute are going at it like rabbits. You know, twitching their noses nervously and nibbling leafy greens.


Keeping in mind that there are six billion people, you can tell your significant other that they are your five billion, nine hundred and ninety-nine million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-ninth least favorite person in the world. It helps if your significant other is a nerd.


I've been told that even if you can get a Rabbi to bless your boar-spear the boar you kill with it still isn't kosher. The same applies to high-power rifle ammo. Keep this in mind when you're serving pork to your Jewish friends.


Many people make New Year's resolutions. This is a good opportunity for you to make simple resolutions ("I resolve to cross the street at the corner just up from my house.") and then go around bragging that you've met all yours. Never tell them what the resolution was, just brag that you've hit everything on your list and then ask how they're doing on theirs. What ever they say, claim that you did that one last year and it was easy.


I would like a new name for flashlights. The damned things only flash if they aren't working properly, otherwise the beam is fairly constant. Actually, considering the quality of flashlight I normally get the name is probably appropriate.


Don't direct traffic unless you are authorized to do so. Cops, security guards, and road crew people are generally authorized. If you're not one of these people, there had better be a real emergency otherwise you are probably just a prick who wants to feel important. I will intentionally run my car into you or a vehicle that you have sent into my path. Then I will sue you because you were the one directing traffic at the time. (Don't worry at me running my car into you, I just want to leave you paralyzed for the rest of your life, not kill you. The Buddha says life is suffering and I think you should live.)


This world could use more large predators. Typically, predators cull the herd, eating only the weak members. The predators we find should only feed on the truly stupid. I think we need another Jim Jones. It's too bad he killed those congress people (hee hee hee) but he was good at offing the terminally stupid. When we get a new one, make sure it doesn't kill itself as well. Good stupidity hunters are in short supply and we need lots of them.


Why doesn't Osama bin Laden just come out and declare himself the new Prophet? You know he wants to. Perhaps he's too busy with idolatry.


You thought I was going to suggest that Osama is too busy with goat related sex. That's a bit obvious. Of course he's doing that.


As holidays go, this New Year's thing it a bit pretentious. Wow, the planet went around the sun another time, like it's been doing for billions of years (unless you were educated in Georgia, in which case the sun has only been going around the Earth for about four thousand years). To arbitrarily pick a day to celebrate the completion of the circuit seems a bit much. Why this day?

I could understand it better if the day we start a new year had some type of significance. If it fell on a Solstice or an Equinox or a similar astronomical occurrence, it could seem more legitimate. It's not like we needed a day set aside to get drunk. Humans can do that anytime (unless you're in dry county in Georgia or in a dry nation like Iran). If we're not careful, we'll end up with a whole host of made up holidays.

Let's stick to legitimate, meaningful holidays, like Arbor Day and Ground Hog Day. The rest is just an excuse to get drunk and that could just be a day ending in 'y', followed by a night ending in "who?"


Happy New Year


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