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Money Damages

2007-01-08

Category: philosophies

I?m starting to really wonder about the advertisements for legal services one sees on television. It seems as though they are going out of their way to increase the cost of everything.

Were you about dead but saved by a drug that had only been on the market for ten years? Did that drug have side effects that wouldn?t be known for another ten years? Was your new, borrowed time not all puppies and rainbows? Then you should call the law offices of Some Parasite. You could be entitled to money damages.

First of all, I am a person whose life was extended quite a bit by medication. If you come back and tell me that the medicine will have an adverse effect on me ten years later, that?s ten years I would not have otherwise been alive. I?m really not in a position to complain.

More importantly, what is the concept behind the phrase ?money damages?? I know what they are talking about; they are telling viewers that the viewer can sue for large quantities of cash, much of which goes to the legal firm. The suggestion is that one is receiving payment for damage caused by another party. The term for that is compensation. One gets the feeling that this vague legalese is there to add a magical, get rich quick quality to the ad.

From where does all this magic money come? Well, it comes from drug manufacturers who get there money from selling medicine to sick people. If you get ?huge money damages? that is another increase in the cost of my medicine. Then I hate you and hope you get run over by something large and driven by your family (so they can?t sue the driver).

Do you owe the IRS tens of thousands of dollars in unpaid back taxes? Is the IRS suggesting that this condition some how violates the law? Do they expect you to actually pay these taxes like some sort of member of society? Then you should call the law offices of some slick bastard. We?ve got years of experience keeping morons and cheats like you out of prison by negotiating lower tax bills. Did we mention how much we are going to charge? You may have been better off dealing with the IRS directly.

You have to have been in a pretty horrific disaster to suddenly owe far more taxes than you can pay and not have the IRS work with you. They do not want to send tax payers to prison because then you cannot pay your taxes. If you call them, they will usually try to work out a deal, though there will be interest and penalties.

The more common reason for people to owe huge sums of back taxes is that those persons either did something very wrong or were hooked up with someone who did something wrong. The IRS is less forgiving of general incompetence and is really unfriendly about fraud. If you can argue that you really didn?t mean to be wrong but didn?t know any better, the IRS will work with you, again with interest and penalties. If you can?t make such an argument you will be charged with crime and be sent to prison.

Though every citizen is well within his or her rights to pay the least taxes allowed by law, we also have a duty to pay the required taxes. Even if you think you don?t get a direct benefit from something supported by taxes (i.e.: schools, libraries, roads, fire departments, police departments, food inspectors, etc.) you probably get indirect benefits (i.e.: educated neighbors and store clerks, libraries, roads, the city not burning down, criminals not running rampant, canned soup with minimal mouse droppings, etc.).

If you go out of your way to illegally avoid taxes, that puts more of the tax burden on the rest of us and we have an interest in seeing you beaten and sodomized in a fine federal penitentiary to discourage you and others like you from this type of crime. (Ok, we don?t need to literally see you get sodomized in prison. We are just comfortable with the fact that it is likely to happen.) That?s right, if you are a criminal, then you should probably get a bit of the old punishment. If you are just a moron, call the IRS and let them know and they will set up a payment plan. I prefer that you set up the payment plan because having you sodomized costs taxpayer money whereas you paying makes you a taxpayer, if not a very bright one.

The main point is that if you really need legal services, you should consult your local phone book and shop around for attorneys in your neighborhood. If there is some sort of legal aid service in your community, call them for advice. They may be able to recommend the appropriate lawyer. However, if you are just lounging in your pajamas at two in the morning and a television commercial gives you the sudden urge to sue somebody, maybe you should sleep on it a week or so and then consult an attorney you did not see on TV.


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