Red Winged Black Bird on a fence post in a field.

You Can Help Get Osama bin Laden


Category: crafts

It's pretty safe to say that most Americans really hate Osama bin Laden. There may be a few patient souls for whom the word "hate" is too strong but even they wouldn't weep should something unpleasant happen to the bastard. The question is: what can the average person do about it? Well, trust your friend LibertyBob to help you out. We'll make Voodoo dolls.

There is an actual religion, called Voodoun, from which the popular voodoo doll was stolen. We don't need to take part in that fascinating mixture of African tribal belief and Catholicism in order to use our dolls. We are going to make the pop culture version. It will still do the trick and you won't have to be ridden like a horse.

The first, and obvious step is to get a likeness of bin Laden. Normally we would start by getting a personal item of his, but if we knew where to get his personal items we could probably just shoot him while we were there and be done with it. Anyway you can take two different paths to getting a likeness. First, you can buy one. There are places out there that sell bin Laden Action Figures. If you happen to have come to this article by mistake and are really a bin Laden supporter, you'll be happy to know these places also sell George W. Bush figures as well. Just get the Bush figure and follow along with the rest of the instructions.

The better way is to make a likeness. Making it yourself puts some of your emotional energy into the thing. You can channel all your hatred and anger into the bin Laden doll and get it out of you. It doesn't matter how you make it. Some people like to sew a cloth doll. Others like to make things out of wood. I prefer polymer clay. You can get it in all kinds of colors and it handles just like children's clay. When done, you bake it in a regular oven for a few minutes and it hardens into a sturdy plastic. Contact your local arts and crafts supplier for more information.

Next you have to "charge" the doll. This is where you build a connection in your mind between the doll and the actual bin Laden. Try holding the doll in your hands with you eyes closed. Now, repeat to yourself, "This is bin Laden. What happens to it happens to bin Laden." Do this until you feel that the doll is charged or until they ask you to leave the restaurant.

Finally, we get to the fun part. If whatever happens to the doll also happens to the real bin Laden, you'll want something appropriately bad to happen to the doll. You can use your own creativity and malice to come up with an idea. Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

  1. Smashing the doll with a sledgehammer.
  2. Tying the doll to your car's front bumper before teaching your kid how to drive.
  3. Roll the doll in hamburger and give it to your dog as a chew toy.
  4. Use it as a clay pigeon when skeet shooting.
  5. If fireworks are allowed in your area, you can't beat the old M-80 between the legs.
  6. Power drill enema.
  7. For the ultimate realism, feed him to a goat.

"But LibertyBob, how does a voodoo doll really work?" you may ask.

Well, there are a couple of theories. The older, more primitive theory says that similar things are the same. This was a pretty common thought in most primitive cultures. If two things were pretty close to the same then they must be the same thing, or at least close enough. At least, that what guys said when the wife's hot sister dropped by.

The second theory is based on New Age crap about vibrations. With heavy borrowing from Quantum Mechanics and science fiction, a theory has come about stating that everything is made of waves. If this is true, then all the stuff about harmonics and resonance is true too. That means that if you start a small wave of bin Laden getting reamed, using your voodoo doll, then it will resonate in the big bin Laden getting reamed. If there are enough such little wave, because of everybody rushing out to follow my instructions here, or if there is a sufficiently large little wave, from someone's pure hatred for the man, then those little waves will be enough to really mess Osama up.

A third, lesser theory suggests that you are creating a little demon from your hatred. This demon's life purpose is to harm bin Laden because that's why you made it. If it gets out into the world then it will try to see to bin Laden's death. What it does after that is unspecified by the theory.

Once you've finished with your bin Laden doll, you may want to look other uses for voodoo dolls. Say your kid won't get a decent haircut. Make a doll and trim its hair. Your boss picks his nose during meetings? Make a doll and break its fingers. I'm sure you will find all sorts of uses. (Note: there are no LibertyBob dolls because nobody needs them.)

The final thing I'll mention here is this: you should never worship you little dolls. Besides this being the sign of severe mental illness, most Levantine religions forbid idolatry. So if you are a Jew, Muslim, Christian, or Zoroastrian, don't worship your voodoo dolls.

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