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Interview with an Iowan Ninja

2004-06-10

Category: prose

Iowa always seems like a sedate sort of place. Overall, we're a peaceful people who don't bother others unless there's a need. You wouldn't expect that we have Ninjas. That's right; Iowa is crawling with Ninjas. To help understand this phenomenon, I've decided to interview one. To keep his identity a secret, I'll refer to him as 'N'.

LB: Greetings N, thank you for sharing with us.

N: Happy to be here, LibertyBob. With all the secrecy, I don't get to talk much about the job.

LB: That must be a drawback of the profession.

N: Oh yea, it sucks.

LB: So, how did you get started as a ninja?

N: Well, I came from a farm family and I had three older brothers. By the time all the farm was split up among them, there wasn't much left for me. Since I was used to not being seen, it was easy to make the move to ninja.

LB: How does being an Iowan ninja compare with ninjas from other places such as Japan?

N: The most obvious difference is that we don't dress in black. Our get-ups are all corn camouflage. You know the thing, long vertical green stripes with a corn leaf pattern. One of us could stand right next to you in a cornfield and you wouldn't know it. Of course, we have to be careful where we nap during harvest season.

LB: I can imagine. Are there any other differences?

N: The only other ninjas I ever met were Japanese. I met them at the Ninja Expo up in Sheboygan. Those guys all talk funny. It's like they've got another language. Me and some of the boys talked about getting a language of our own, but that might make us stand out.

LB: What do ninjas do in Iowa?

N: Truthfully, there isn't much call for ninja skills in Iowa. Sometimes we'll get hired by a mechanic in a small town to disable passing motorists. Of course we always sabotage any team playing against the University of Iowa or Iowa State University. Some have even been know to help out with the University of Northern Iowa.

LB: Are there any other common jobs?

N: Sometimes a cell phone retailer will hire a ninja or two to encourage phone loss. Think about it, have you ever been sure of where you put your cell phone but you can't find it anywhere? It was probably stolen by a ninja.

LB: It sounds like there isn't much of the traditional ninja work here in Iowa.

N: Traditional work? What do you mean?

LB: It was my understanding that ninjas were mystic warriors and assassins. Don't you do any killing or anything? Do you spy on anybody? Do you ever fight any Samurai?

N: That's all myth. There aren't any Samurai in Iowa and there haven't been in over three hundred years. Spying on people is just perverted. As for killing, well, that's just rude.

LB: If you don't do any of those things, what's the primary function of the ninja? Just what do you people do?

N: Duh, cow tipping.

LB: Cow tipping?

N: Yea. We sneak up on unsuspecting cows and push them over.

LB: Ok, why would you want to do that?

N: It takes great skill to sneak up on a skittish bovine and even more skill to cause it to fall to the side. Besides, it's funny.

LB: Well, it looks like I'm out of time for this interview. Thank you, N, for enlightening us about Iowan ninjas.

N: Happy to help.

That ended my interview with N about the life of the ninja in Iowa.


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