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Meat O Matic


Category: prose

I was rummaging through that future box I bought at the auction and I found the following clippings. The first seems to be an ad for meat. The two after that are news articles. Please enjoy them.

For years now, the Nipica Corporation Genetics Division has led the industry in genetic research and technology. We have learned to decode genetic material and this knowledge lets us control how genes work for the public good. Now, we take this knowledge straight from our labs to your kitchen.

Using our new Meat-O-Matic™ process, we can produce the finest steaks, pork chops, veal, and venison without harming a single animal. That?s right! Using our patented system, we custom craft meat using the genetic patterns of the tastiest breeds of animals. All it takes is protein slurry, the genetic code, and our patented Meat-O-Matic™ process.

You get the choicest cuts of meat. You get the perfect amount of fat. Unlike meat produced from livestock, our meat is never exposed to disease. What could be healthier?

That?s not all. For your really special occasions, try some of our Special Edition Meats™. Have bald eagle at your retirement party. Serve bear for your barbeque. Try a little pterodactyl for a treat. If there?s something custom you want, let us know! (Please note: Republic law prohibits us from creating human flesh for consumption. See your dealer for loopholes.)

You can have a wonderful, meaty, guilt-free dining experience by serving Nipica Corp?s Meat-O-Matic™ meats.

This is the first news story.

Des Moines IA: Cows are being relegated to zoos.

With the advent of manufactured muscle tissue for use as meat, farmers are going out of business. They cannot sell the livestock they have, so many of them slaughter the animals for family consumption.

?It costs too much to keep feeding cows and pigs and we can?t compete with manufactured meat,? said one local farmer.

Not all livestock is heading for the chopping block. Animal Rights Activists are trying to save some of each breed in zoos. Said activist David Wilson, ?It?s bad enough that so many individual animals are dying off. We can?t let theses species or breeds die out too. They?re just too precious.?

Some farmers have taken a different route. One farmer, who asked to remain anonymous, tells us, ?The meat machines use DNA from actual animals. I?m trained and equipped to breed tastier animals. I?ll just focus on a smaller herd and try to get a better flavor and texture for the meat. When I?ve got a good one, I?ll sell the genetic structure to one of the companies.? This novel approach may be the only way some farmers stay in business.

It?s ironic that the people who once fed the world are now joining the poor who need to be fed at the time when the food shortages have all been solved.

This is the second article.

Nipica Corp Meat-O-Matic Processing Center: An accident kills thirty-five, injures seventy more.

At ten in the morning, local time, a bizarre incident destroyed one of the lines at the main meat processing center. The processing machinery buckled and twisted violently, knocking employees, killing some and injuring others.

Investigators say the incident was caused when a static electric build up sent a charge through the meat being processed. Charles Mattenberg, the lead investigator explained, ?Even though the meat doesn?t come from an animal, it is still muscle tissue. When the electricity went through, it acted like a nerve impulse and caused the muscle to contract. The entire line of meat is muscle, so the entire line contracted.?

There?s no word on when the line will be restored or how the company will prevent such accidents in the future.

I didn?t find any more articles about the meat. That?s too bad because I was curious about how they stopped the meat from spazzing again. Of course, I wasn?t looking that hard; I really wanted to find the results of the upcoming college bowl games.

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