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Report: People About Half Stupid


Category: prose

New federally funded research shows that most people are about half stupid. The report was released Wednesday September 13, 2007 by the Haverbottom State University Department of Psychology. Though the evidence seems clear, the report has generated a great deal of controversy.

The research project involved following the lives and decisions or fifteen thousand subjects from six continents. Subjects were also subjected to clinical testing for intelligence and emotional development. The results aren't good.

Dr. Alonso Pinchwonoff, Ph.D. headed up the study. Said Pinchwonoff, "There was always anecdotal evidence to suggest that most people aren't too bright. So we decided to get a government grant to do a proper study. It turns out we were right." When asked about the anecdotal evidence, he responded, "Any one who has seen a political rally or program length commercials at two A.M. will understand what we mean."

Some people don't like the report though. Said one Senator, "No one has ever proved that I'm stupid and neither are the people who elected me." A gathering of religious leaders sent out a press release stating, "?if people were really that stupid, why would they blindly do what we tell them to do just because we tell them they might go to Hell?"

The Society of American Litigators is particularly upset. They wonder how anyone can be held responsible for anything if everyone is just stupid. One member said, "If one of my clients hurts himself using an innocuous, everyday product, the manufacturer must be held accountable. If the manufacturer is assumed to be just as stupid as my client, they can be held no more responsible than said client."

There's no telling where this report may lead. Some have suggested that it may lead to the devaluation of human beings. Others say it is a call to make people work their brains harder to build intellectual strength. Whatever the outcome, there's a good chance that most people will think that they are one of the few who are smarter than others.

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