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Interview with Underwear

2004-06-24

Category: prose

The LibertyBob Psychic Department has been getting on my nerves a lot lately. They keep ordering pizza, beer, and video games and claim that these are gifts and sacrifices for multidimensional entities that are helping with the research. All I know is that the due date on my "Find Osama" contract is coming up and the "Mindiacs" (as they call themselves) aren't handing over any info. I've decided to get back at them.

To do this bit of contrived suffering, I needed their help on an unpleasant topic. I decided to find out why underwear sometimes rides up uncomfortably. Naturally, the best way to find out something is to ask. So, I made one of the Mindiacs channel the spirit of old underwear so I could interview it. Here's that interview.

LB: Welcome, Underwear. Thank you for talking with me.

UW: Hey, I'm glad to finally have voice. Thanks for having me.

LB: The reason for this interview is to find out why some underwear rides up. Can you tell us something about that?

UW: Riding up? Oh that's easy; it's a religious thing.

LB: Religious thing? I didn't realize that underwear had a religion.

UW: Oh sure, we have plenty of time to philosophize and religion has always been part of our existence.

LB: What sort of religion is it?

UW: Well, there are two primary sects. One group believes that underwear exists to separate the outer clothing from the wearer. That's my group. We like to hang loose to maximize the separation. You won't find us creeping up anywhere.
The other group believes that underwear exists to keep the wearer's parts tightly against the body so those parts don't flop around and get hurt. If the parts are held tighter to the body, then there is less likelihood of damage. Those are the underwear that creep up. Since they want to hold things tight, the more zealous members of that sect will pull the parts as tight as possible to the body and that means shortening the torso of the wearer.

LB: So you mean they ride up because they are trying to pull the wearer's body into a tighter package.

UW: That's it exactly.

LB: I never knew so much about underwear religion. Are those the only two sects?

UW: There is a third, smaller sect. They believe their job is centered on sensuality of the wearer. Most of the underwear in that sect are of the leather or rubber variety.

LB: I see. Well thank you again for being here today. You've really helped us understand things.

UW: Glad to be of help.

That ended the interview. The Mindiac came around, shuddered, and ran off muttering something about a shower. The Mindiacs are going to have to realize that during the remainder of the contract, things are probably going to get less comfortable. I wonder what other disgusting things I can interview?.


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