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Books I Have No Time to Write

2005-02-14

Category: prose

Lately I?ve been rather busy. All the little things I have to do have really stifled my writing. As a result, I?ve had to pare back my writing to only the most critical things. That means the literary world will have to do without the full extent of my genius (which has caused a great sense of relief among the literati.)

To help you understand just what you?re missing, I?ve compiled this list of titles from my ?Things I won?t get around to writing? list. Though some of the titles are cryptic, most of them are fairly self-explanatory. If any of them confuse you, you may be trying way too hard.

  • The Murder of that Kid Up the Street Who Always Wears a Helmet
  • Lost in Thought with No Way Back
  • Fun Things to Do with Your Neighbor's S.U.V.
  • Gambling, a Child's Guide
  • So Your Mother's a Crack Whore
  • An Introduction to Darwinism: Keep Nature from Selecting You
  • A Teen Boy's Guide to Not Having Children (complete with Hammer)
  • Your Sister Wouldn't Lie About You Being Adopted
  • Fun Ways to Get Kicked Out of Your Favorite Restaurants
  • Restaurants I've been Kicked Out Of
  • Mommy and Daddy Fight Because God Hates You
  • Exciting Flavors of Electricity
  • How to Use Your Psychic Department to Defraud the C.I.A. out of Millions
  • Derrick the Duck Discovers the Brothel
  • Where Babies Come From: Assorted Lies When You Can't Explain the Truth
  • Things Redneck Chicks Will Do If You Claim that God Said So
  • A (Made Up) Biography of William Jefferson Clinton

Well, that?s the list. It isn?t exhaustive; I still had a bit of energy after typing it. Hopefully I will win the lottery some day and then I?ll have the free time to devote to writing all the fecundity that oozes out of my imagination. You can be sure I?ll share it with you.


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