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Prediction from the 2006 Summer Solstice


Category: prose

It?s the Summer Solstice, that time of year when the sun stays up longer than it stays down. To some it is a good time to celebrate life and think about the future. Of course, when I think of the future I go straight to the LibertyBob Psychic Department (the Mindiacs, as they call themselves.) So here it is, a series of predictions for the rest of the year.

  • Shortly after the National Guard troops arrive in Texas to defend the border, Texan insurgents start fighting them. The insurgents vow to continue the fight until the U.S. no longer occupies Texas.
  • Some conservative vampires will complain that las chupacabras are in the country illegally and are taking jobs from legitimate American vampires. Other conservative vampires say that a chupacabra will only suck the blood out of animals that American vampires don?t want. Meanwhile, liberal vampires say they are just concerned over the rights and safety of their Hispanic brethren.
  • The Southern Baptist Convention will start a campaign to prevent animals from having sex. Representatives of the church will point out that these animals are unmarried and living in sin. The animals will threaten to eat the Baptists in retaliation.
  • A high-ranking North Korean officer will ?accidentally? test launch a long-range missile while Kim Jong Il is inspecting the device. When the Americans threaten retaliation, the North Korean military responds, ?You can come over here with all the food in the world, and we will still never surrender. Yes, bring your food, your delicious, nutritious, life-giving food.?
  • To distract from the horror of the United Nations ?food for sex? scandal, the U.N. will let slip some of the other things they?ve been doing.
  • Osama bin Laden?s hiding place will be severely damaged by a natural disaster. He will move into a rent-controlled apartment on the lower east side.

That should about do it for this Solstice. I hope you take some time to think about your future.

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