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Escape to the North Pole

2004-12-24

Category: prose

The game is called "Escape to the North Pole". In it you play Santa Clause doing the annual deliveries. You must go through several levels (locations) before you can return to the safety of the Workshop at the North Pole. The levels were a bit disturbing.

On the first level, you must deliver to France. The French air force and air defense try to take you out the whole time. Cheap French floozies offer you wine and cheese. If you get caught by them they actually give you absinthe and you crash your sleigh into the Eiffel Tower because you're hallucinating.

On the second level you have to deliver to hidden Christian children living in Iran. The Iranian air force and air defense are much tougher than the French. If the Iranians catch you you get stoned to death. This is much tougher than the first level. Then, it gets bad.

The next level takes you to Arkansas. There is no air force but the air defense is made up of hunters who would really like to taste flying deer. You need at least four reindeer to fly and those hunters want all eight (nine if you use the Rudolph cheater code). That's not the worst of it though. While delivering to trailer parks, you could get hit by a tornado. Of course the absolute worst is to be away from your sleigh and hear the words, "you got a real pretty mouth".

Flying west from Arkansas takes you through Oklahoma where you must navigate a field of randomly moving tornados. There's nothing for this level but good hand-eye coordination. Try not to lose any deer because you're going to need them in the final level.

The last level is California. Here, you must avoid greedy people who will steal all your toys. Others will strip your unattended sleigh (it's a cool graphic to see the reindeer up on blocks). Local law enforcement will fine you for parking wrong, driving in strange places, gas emissions (from the reindeer), and anything else they can think of. If you're on the wrong streets, the cops will pick you up for soliciting.

The worst thing in the California level is that animal rights activists will try to set your reindeer free. If you've taken good care of your reindeer they won't want to leave. To the animal rights activists, that means you've brainwashed them. The activists will drug your deer (for the deer's own good) and drag them away. Other activists will chain themselves to your sleigh, making the sleigh too heavy to take off.

If you can make it out of California, then you have a direct flight to the North Pole. It's unlikely that any person will make it all the way through the third (Arkansas) level, let alone California. I can just recommend that you have Santa take the saw, the metallic balloons, and the mace. I wish you luck.


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