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Militant Amish

2004-03-27

Category: prose

Militant Amish Extremists did their worst today when they attacked the Smallton Area Chamber of Commerce. Police are still looking for the culprits and say they will not stop until they have brought these people to justice.

The attack began about 11:30 a.m. (Eastern Standard Time). Chamber member Fred Page was working alone in the building. Page says that seven angry Amish men walked into the office and turned off all the lights and unplugged other electrical appliances. They then left through the front door, leaving behind a small pile of horse manure.

"It was the oddest thing I've ever seen," Page told reporters. "I don't think I'll ever feel the same about the Amish." No one else noticed the Amish men or anything else about the incident.

Smallton police have received a handwritten letter from a group calling themselves the Group of Decent Folk who Want to Unplug the English. The group, in the letter, claim that they are prepared to unplug or turn off electrical devices wherever such devices are found. Police have stepped up patrols around Milton's TV and Appliance on Main Street.

Though there are no other clues about the identity of the men involved, police are hoping a vigilant public will help. If you see seven Amish men meeting the description of the militants please call the Smallton Police Department. The men are described as being white males, 18 to 45 years old, with tanned and weathered skin. They were last seen wearing black, wool pants, blue shirts without buttons, and black, broad-brimmed hats. All of the men had beards and sideburns but no mustaches.

"I hope we can put an end to this soon as possible," said Smallton Police Chief Bud Walton, "I don't want to see the Amish escalate this animosity. I would hate to see random plowings or other acts of Amish violence."


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