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On Flying Spaghetti Monsterism

2006-01-05

Category: General

It has been brought to my attention that there is a new religion going on out there and I thought I should comment on it here. The religion is called Flying Spaghetti Monsterism and it is spreading quickly. I don?t approve at all.

The tenets of this new faith are that the world was created by an invisible Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM). The creature first created a mountain, then trees, and then a midgit (sic). After this, the FSM created everything else, including the evidence of evolution.

Adherents of the religion, called Pastafarians, dress in pirate costumes. They show a graph depicting the correlation between the decline in pirates in the world and the increase in weather related problems such as global warming. These weather issues are the wrath of the FSM, they say, for the reduced pirate numbers. They finish their prayers with the word, ?Ramen?.

The FSM is depicted as a mass of spaghetti with two large meatballs in the front of its body. Two noodles rise from its body to act as eye stalks like those of a shell fish. I think this shellfish like characteristic gave me clue to the truth behind this new faith. The religion is, in fact, the reestablishment of an old faith, very old indeed.

You see, I once ventured through the first three Gates and managed to make it back unscathed, though only barely. I?ve seen the Indescribable Hordes (and have described them) and I know one when I see one. I?m pretty sure that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is actually one of the offspring of Cthulhu or some other of that ilk.

You see, while Cthulhu sleeps his almost infinite sleep at the bottom of the Pacific, he supposedly reaches out with mental tentacles to reach the minds of humans. He then sends the humans on little errands, often the gathering of other worshippers. Once there are enough worshippers, they hook up with Unspeakable Horrors to go around doing unpleasant stuff. (No, I don?t mean like changing diapers or taking out the trash. I mean biting the legs off kittens and handing them back to small children and buying extended warrantees.)

There?s more evidence to support this theory. The key is in the pirate costumes. Since Cthulhu sleeps at the bottom of an ocean, he only gets any real entertainment if there are boats going by above. Regular freighter traffic is a bit dull. Throw in some pirates though and then you?ve got a show. What?s more, if you visit ?The Misadventures of Hello Cthulhu? you?ll see Cthulhu actually dressed in pirate garb. I think that pretty much seals the deal.

So, what does this mean to you? That depends on whether or not you happen to be the person driving down that dark, country lane on the night when the stars are properly aligned and the Old Ones are distracted and you just happen to fit the extra robe the spaghetti worshipers brought along.

Of course, you don?t have to be in an isolated rural location. It could just as easily be that new night club where everyone is dancing and drinking and having fun, knowing that you are the only one who isn?t one of them. It will probably be a real hoot till the weird guy in the DJ booth stands up on the wall and calls out, ?Are you ready my brethren?? Then everyone but you raises their hands in some strange sign and responds at the top of their lungs, ?We belong to the Deep One! We belong to the Ancient!? It?s only then that you understand why the costume theme was pirates.

Sure, I may be over reacting. I may just be a little sensitive to these things after the Incident. Sure, I won that time and drove them back through the dimensional rift. Sure, I have a thing about having doors and drawers either completely open or completely shut. It?s not like you should have concerns about the shadows under your bed, sofa, or desk at work. Relax when you reach into the desk drawer without looking; there is probably nothing bad there.

On the other hand, think about the increase in pirate related activity lately. Every year there is a Talk Like A Pirate Day. Every year, pirate costumes are easier to get. Recently, there have been news worthy pirate attacks against cruise ships. When was the last time you heard about a pirate attack on the high seas? The forces of Cthulhu are gathering strength and they are doing it through pirate costumes and the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

If we work together, we can defeat this madness. Don?t wear an eye patch. Don?t worship spaghetti. Don?t so anything involving a mountain, a tree, and a midget. Do not let the Unspeakable Things from Unimaginable Places come out and do Indefinable Stuff.


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