Legally Stupid

2009-01-26

I've heard many people describe how they would like to avoid jury duty or other civic responsibilities. Though I don't understand the motivation, I am convinced that we should allow them to get out of the task. There should be a legal option to let people remove themselves from the roles. Here's how.

The citizen who wishes to get out of jury duty need only go down to the county clerk and fill out the paperwork to be labeled "Legally Stupid". This simple document gets the person out of jury duty for the rest of his or her life. That's not the end of the benefits to the Legally Stupid person.

There is a possible tax reduction for these folks. Once someone has listed themselves as Legally Stupid, he or she can get a tax break just for having themselves spayed or neutered. The state will even pay for the operation. That is a great incentive for many of these people, especially when they are younger when they fear the burden of child raising.

There are other benefits too. For example, they don't have to worry about pesky elections, because Legally Stupid people are not allowed to vote. This will save them a lot of trouble professionally, because they would also be prohibited from holding public office or positions of authority.

Of course such benefits can't come without some tradeoffs. For example, Legally Stupid people have slightly higher insurance rates. Similarly, they automatically get the maximum penalties for crimes. When performing military service they can only serve in the infantry and are automatically given the most dangerous missions. Legally Stupid people are unable to get any sort of credit, including credit cards.

Some people who become Legally Stupid at a young age may decide later that they don't want the distinction any more. There must be a mechanism by which they can get rid of all the benefits of stupidity. This is a simple procedure where the Legally Stupid person fills out some forms, gets witness testimony, prepares supporting documentation, and then argues before a judge that he or she is not actually stupid. If the judge decides that the person is not stupid, then the designation is removed. Otherwise, the designation sticks.

I believe this simple legal distinction will help relieve many people from the stresses of being responsible citizens while, at the same time, reducing the stress caused by these same people. It can also lead to the next step where we can have people declared Legally Stupid just by proving the status in court. If only we can get the Legally Stupid people tattooed so the rest of us can avoid them.