Red Winged Black Bird on a fence post in a field.

A Fortieth


Category: General

It has been a special day here at the LibertyBob Complex. Everyone has gathered together to celebrate my fortieth birthday. That's right; on February 12 of 1968 LibertyBob returned to mortal existence for another round on the Ride of Life.

The LibertyBob Psychic Department (or Mindiacs, as they like to be called) gathered food and beverages for the party. They said they were going to pool their money to buy me a very expensive gift, but then their psychic abilities told them that I was going to be offended by the gift so they decided against it. I told them how much I appreciated the fact that this year's excuse was much better thought out than the excuses from previous years.

After the big lunch of bologna sandwiches and root beer, they asked me to reminisce about my life so far. I knew they were just dragging out the time till I sent them back to work so I took the opportunity to tell some of my rambling, old man stories.

I do think back to all the plans I had when I was younger. It amazes me how happy I am that I did not accomplish most of that crap. Man, I could be a real moron back then. Of course, maturity whispers in my ear that there is a chance that I am just an older, more tired, lazier moron now.

There is something to be said for youthful energy and enthusiasm. When I roll out of bed in the dark of the morning (or the dark of the early evening) and the joints all crack and pop, I long for the days when I was spry. Then I long for the days when it didn't seem natural to use words like "spry". My juvenile delinquent days have vandalized me and moved on somewhere unknown. Even typing this causes my knuckles to groan in agony. (They would scream in agony but that would require more energy.)

Of course I am exaggerating, a little, and have plenty of life ahead of me. My plan is to live to the age of 112 years or more. By that time a great deal of me will have been replaced or simply removed. There is no limit to what science can't do.

With the birthday lunch over, the Mindiacs presented me with a list of "predictions" for the remainder of my life. I put the word predictions in quotes because I think one or two of them may have been self-serving, wishful thinking on the part of the Mindiacs. Here are those predictions, presented for your amusement.

In the last years of life, LibertyBob will have many children but, because of his dental situation, they will have to be pureed.

LibertyBob will have his chance to rise to world domination but then he will look out at the people he would be leading and will decide it's not worth the hassle.

LibertyBob's contract with the Mindiacs will finally end when they tell him the exact location of Osama bin Laden. Unfortunately, they will have found him by watching the coverage of the bin Laden trial on CNN.

LibertyBob will show what a forgiving fellow he is when he allows the surviving Mindiacs to leave without being further billed or without "Meeting Pig Roger".

People will finally understand what the phrase "Meeting Pig Roger" means when LibertyBob publishes his most disturbing short story to date.

LibertyBob's novel will be hated by English majors in college for the next five centuries because it becomes "required reading". The sad part is that, if it had not been required the students would probably have enjoyed it. The movie won't be as good as the book.

LibertyBob's grave mound will become a center for meditation and enlightenment for eight months out of every year. Because of its Iowa location, the mound will be frozen and snow covered for the other four months thanks to global warming.

Thirty two years after his death, LibertyBob has to crawl out of his grave to slap a politician who said something so stupid that "it needed to be done". After slapping the moron, LibertyBob will silently mouth an obscenity and crawl back into his mound.

In one thousand, four hundred, and sixty-three years, archaeologists will exhume the body of LibertyBob and think that he was some sort of god-king. This will be based on two things. First, there is the elaborate manner of his burial. Secondly, in the years since his death, many documents will have been lost, so future historians will have to rely on the surviving writings of LibertyBob to learn about history. This should cause you to smile a little out of sadistic glee.

Comments (4)
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