Interview with al Sadr
It's time once again for the LibertyBob Psychic Department to earn their beans. That also means it's time for one of my famous out-of-body interviews. This time I've set my sights on Iraqi rabble-rouser al Sadr. You may remember that Mr. Muqtada al Sadr is the cleric in Iraq who decided that Iraqis weren't being shot at often enough and so he started his little uprising. Let's see what he has to say.
AS: Where am I? What is going on?
LB: (ed: I love doing this part) As far as you know, I'm a messenger from Allah.
AS: Oh no, bin Laden warned me about you.
LB: Warned you about the messenger of Allah?
AS: No, not warned, told. He told me about you.
LB: That's better. So then, got a little uprising going on in Iraq, do you?
AS: Oh, yes. It is going very nicely. In no time at all we will have driven the Americans out.
LB: What makes you think that?
AS: Because the Allah the Merciful is on our side.
LB: Did Allah the Merciful tell you that Himself?
AS: Well, not really. But I am very sure of it.
LB: If Allah did not tell you, who did?
AS: I don't know his name. He was French. He said that, unlike the French, the Americans only want oil. He said there was no other French interest than seeing that we rule ourselves in the manner proscribed by Allah.
LB: I see. You take the word of this Frenchman over that of the other Muslim clerics in your area?
AS: I, uh? Yes?
LB: That's retarded, Muqtada. Here's the deal. France is the real enemy of Islam. They recently even made it a law that Muslim girls must uncover themselves when they go to school. Tell me that's what Allah wants. The French are the ones who supported Saddam Hussein in his reign of terror just so they could buy Iraqi oil. Yes, they are the ones who want the oil.
AS: They are infidels!
LB: True. Anyway, here are the instructions from Allah. First, make peace with the Americans and with the other clerics. Then, help move all those non-Iraqi mercenaries out into the open. Think you can do that, Muqtada?
AS: I must always do the will of Allah.
LB: That's not what your actions say, you little piss ant. The Americans are trying to bring you a free Iraq and you are trying to destroy that. Does not the Qur'an say in verse 2:256 "There should be no compulsion in religion. Normal Behavior stands out clearly from error; so anyone who rejects the Arrogant ones and believes in God has grasped the firmest Handle which will never break. God is Alert, Aware." It seems you've been an Arrogant one.
AS: But the Americans? They aren't even Muslim!
LB: What did I just quote from the Qur'an? Are you retarded? Get back to your body, stop being so self-important, and make peace like Allah wants you to. If you don't we'll see just how much Allah will let me do to you.
As usually, the interview ended with my psychic ducking and protecting his forehead. I felt good about the interview. It's always good to tell some moron he's a moron, and if I can reinforce it with his own religious beliefs, all the better.