Red Winged Black Bird on a fence post in a field.

Why I am not in Charge


Category: politics

From time to time I use the phrase "? and that's why I'm not in charge." Usually it's a reference to the fact that I can be a complete jerk. As one ex-girlfriend put it, I'm a nice guy but I can be a real bastard about it.

To help demonstrate all of this, I present you with the following future speech that would be performed by me in national television if I were the President of the United States. The situations described therein haven't come to pass but are used to exemplify the reasons why most people don't want me in charge.

The speech:

(An announcer chick says) Ladies and gentlemen, the man who brought you the States Decide Congressional Pay Amendment and the Popular Vote versus the Electoral College Amendment, your Commander in Chief, President LibertyBob!

(I walk to a podium to the sound of harps.)

Good evening, my fellow citizens. As part of my weekly Keep You Informed Speech, tonight I will be making an announcement of great importance.

As you all know, Islamic extremists blew up a military office in France two days ago. We, as always, deplore the acts of those nut-jobs. I mean the Islamic extremists, not the French. As can be expected, the French military has found a target and has retaliated.

Since I ended the Iraq War, the United States has been allies with the three resulting republics built from the old Iraq: Kurdtucky, Shialand, and Sunnitown. The French claims that one of the terrorists was once from Sunnitown. As a result of this, they led an air strike against Sunnitown it self.

Sense Sunnitown is our puppet, uh, I mean, uh, friend, we had no choice but to defend them. All the French aircraft were shot down. That made France really mad.

The French have broken off all diplomatic contact with the United States. To help them with this, I had all of their diplomats expelled. That includes their diplomats in the United Nations. It is ironic that the French were the most vocal opponents to moving the UN headquarters to another country. In retaliation, France has expelled all American diplomats as well.

Due to these hostile actions, this afternoon I asked Congress to declare war on France. When the giggling stopped, the motion was presented and passed by an overwhelming majority. As of today, the United States is at war with France.

During any time of war, many people will be frightened. I share your fears. You may wonder, what happens if the war escalates? Well, I have spoken with the other nations of Europe. Most have expressed their support in this war. Even Germany said they know better and are going to sit this one out. I wasn't able to get our English contacts to stop laughing long enough to give an indication of their support.

I know that not all the people of France need to be killed in war. Many of them may wish to leave the war zone. That's why we are setting up a refugee-processing center in Belgium. French refugees can go to the camp in Belgium where they will be identified and sent to temporary homes in Russian Siberia. The homes can hold complete families and work and food will be provided. We thank the Russians for their assistance in this endeavor.

In the meantime, Russian and China have supported my motion to replace France on the UN Security Council with the Free Republic of Sudan. We feel that the interests of the world are served by including a developing Africa.

Other than that, there is little other news for the nation. The budget is balanced. All the bills are paid. We have a good combination of arts and sciences in our schools and literacy is at an all time high. The alternative energy project is nearing its step two milestone. What's more, there have been no acts of terrorism on American held lands.

With that, I wish you a good night.

Comments (5)
You gotta pick the right guy to do the job.
Go out now and vote for LibertyBob.
It is my most sincere belief that stupidity is the same as evil.