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Osama Tapes

2004-01-22

Category: politics

Osama bin Laden keeps sending out his little tapes. His message for those who would follow him is that the United States is bad and that they should do nasty things to us. Naturally, we don't like that and would really like to get him. So how do we get him to come out of hiding so we can put his head on a pole? I have an idea.

First, our intelligence people need to start releasing our own Osama tapes. We'll use our best technology to mimic that bastard. I know we can do it because I have seen no less than two Death Stars destroyed by the Rebel Alliance. Our first tape will look just like him and our Osama will come out in favor of destroying America. That's just to make our tapes look real. Then the fun begins.

Osama will be confused. He'll know that he didn't send the tape. The question is, what will he do? Does he let the tape stand or does he release a tape that says it wasn't him. Hopefully he will let it stand. That way we can speed up the release of our other tapes.

Over time the message from our Osama will grow more and more wacky. The initial message of "hate America" will gradually change to "Everyone must grow a beard like mine". Eventually the message will be "the Koran demands that all men dress in light pink and that we take to hopping on the right foot. To hop on the left foot is idolatry!" By then he will definitely release a tape to denounce our tapes. That's a good thing.

If it is his habit to release "it wasn't me" tapes, we can use it to our advantage. Every time he releases a tape for real, we'll release a rebuttal. He'll say, "This is really me this time and we must kill Americans." Then, our tape will be, "I didn't release that tape. That wasn't me. I wasn't there; just ask my camel molesting coach." Eventually, we will release the tape where he is accidentally filmed without his costume and is revealed to be a woman.

The effect of all of this is that the tape thing will no longer be an effective means of communications for bin Laden. If he wants to get information out to his troops, he will have to be a little more hands on. He will have to leave his cave to do that. Our snipers are standing by.

There are other benefits of this as well. In the next century, historians will be unable to tell which tapes are real. They will have to conclude that Osama bin Laden was a cross-dressing, camel raper. Other leaders will also be afflicted. We can do tapes of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il and exaggerate his hair till it looks silly. We can make tapes of British Prime Minister Tony Blair and make it look like he agrees with everything we want.

The down side of this is that it makes it hard to be sure what is real. People with a socialist agenda may do this sort of thing to discredit their opponents, as soon as they can scrape up the money, that is. French President Chirac can claim that the film of him in that cheerleader outfit being rogered by that large, black fellow isn't real. Still, I think the benefits outweigh the potential problems.

Remember to go to the CIA website and tell them to implement this plan. They'll hook up with the good folks of Industrial Light and Magic and in no time we'll be really annoying terrorists worldwide. Then we can get to work on Chicago (no terrorist state can be tolerated.)


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