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Red Winged Black Bird on a fence post in a field.

Interview with al Sadr reprised

2004-08-10

Category: politics

The August tenth Cedar Rapids Gazette ran an AP story about Muqtada al Sadr, you know, that Iraqi cleric running all the uprising nonsense. He's still got his guys shooting at the Iraqi security forces and Americans. The article quotes him as saying he will fight "until the last drop of my blood has been spilled." That's just asking for it.

I interviewed Mr. Sadr back on April 15th of this year. I think it's time for another interview to find out why he's still so retarded.

LB: Welcome back, Mr. al Sadr.

AS: What is happening? Where am I?

LB: Apparently you have a memory problem. You were here before and I told you that, as far as you know, I am a messenger from Allah.

AS: Oh yes, I remember now. I remember.

LB: Do you also remember what I told you to do the last time you were here?

AS: Uh, kill Americans?

LB: Try again.

AS: Uh, perhaps it was, stop shooting Americans so they can finish their work and go home?

LB: That's much better. So, Muqtada, why are Americans still be shot at?

AS: I can assure you, I have not personally shot any Americans since you told me to stop.

LB: You know what it means when you try to get clever with the commands I give you?

AS: Paradise and virgins?

LB: No, we turn you into a virgin and give you to a camel. Nevermind that. Why haven't your followers stopped shooting?

AS: It is not my fault. When I tell them to stop shooting, they ignore me. When I tell them to kill Americans they shout with glee and follow every word I say. Surely you can see the dilemma I am in.

LB: If you were a good Muslim you would understand the REAL dilemma you're in. You played rabble-rouser and placed yourself above the Prophet. Now there are people committing murder on your say-so. Do you really think that pleases Allah?

AS: I just meant for the Americans to go home. I didn't mean to offend the Merciful One.

LB: You simpleton. The Americans can't go home till they've fixed all the stuff for the benefit of Iraq and its people. When you shoot at them it takes longer for them to finish. The Americans want to go home but your retarded little band keeps slowing them down.

AS: Allah, please forgive me.

LB: Yea, we'll see about that. This time when I send you back you had better do what you're told. Stop killing Americans. Start killing the French, like I told you. And if I call you back here and you haven't been behaving I'll personally see to it that the Americans know where you are.

As is tradition, the psychic helping me with the interview forced al Sadr back and then quickly ducked the slap aimed at his forehead. I think we've learned some important facts from this interview. One, we learned that al Sadr is a self important little twerp. Two we learned that my psychics have good ducking instincts. Three, I'm an offensive bastard with a real mean streak.


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