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High Gas Prices

2004-03-09

Category: politics

Many of you driver types will have noticed that gasoline costs a butt-load of cash. The economists all say that this erodes away on our economy. I don’t particularly care for that.

Should I get mad at economists? My former Economics Prof would probably say no. I’ll have to look elsewhere for my enemy.

What causes gas prices to go up? Well, a shortage in gas does it. So does price gouging, but that’s usually illegal. I’ll stick with the shortages.

Back during the Second World War, when all the Americans fought bravely (not just the Iowans), there were often shortages due to “the War Effort”. This is because we were sending all of our supplies to the soldiers who were fighting the Huns in Europe or the Japs in the Pacific. The today’s war seems much smaller, somehow.

If I’m not mistaken, the place where the oil and gas comes from is right next-door to the place where much of the fighting is happening. Shouldn’t that make gas easy to come by? Wouldn’t there be plenty of gas to supply the troops and still have plenty of gas for everybody back home? One would think so.

That must suggest that it’s not the war that’s causing the gas shortage. That only leaves two other options. Either the oil producing nations are not producing at their peek capacity or sport utility vehicles (pronounced ‘spyoots’) are using gas too fast.

As a person who grew up driving pickup trucks, I know that larger vehicle really suck the gas. Of course, my trucks were real trucks made of massive chunks of steel and powered by gargantuan V-8’s. I could open the hood of my truck, climb in with the engine, close the hood, then do all of my truck’s maintenance out of the elements. Yep, it was a big truck. Since today’s sport utilities vehicles are pansy little wussy trucks, I really doubt that they use enough gasoline to cause economic damage.

That leaves the oil producing countries. What can we do about that? Well, there are two options; either they know that they are causing us economic harm or they do not know. If they don’t know, we’ll just give them a jingle and say, “Hey, you guys aren’t making enough oil and that’s hurting our economy. Could you make some more, please?” Then they’ll say, “Oh, our bad. We didn’t know. We’ll make more right away. And while we’re on the subject of more, can you send us more blue jeans? These dresses all of our men wear make us look goofy and it’s getting embarrassing.” Then the problem will be solved.

Of course, if they do know that they are causing harm and are continuing to do so, then obviously they are not our friend. They’re thinking, “If we don’t make enough oil then the economy of the Great Satan will get bad and then Bush will get overthrown and whiney liberals will decide who goes to war.” Sure, one of them might ask, “But won’t that leave millions of Americans unemployed and unable to buy food for their children?” The others will shoot him and feed him to the goats.

Naturally, if you have one country intentionally going out of their way to cause harm (not the harm that may be caused through regular competition) then it is surely an act of war. How does one deal with an act of war? That’s easy, one resorts to saturation bombing. This time when we give them a little jingle we say, “Did you guys know that you’re low oil exports are causing us harm?” They’ll respond, “Of course we are causing you harm. We don’t like you and will continue to cause you harm to the best of our ability. Ha, ha, ha.” Then we say, “Been nice talking to you. By the way, you may want to head to the basement.” (Note for those living in coastal areas of Louisiana and Florida: A basement is a room underground beneath the house. Note for those from Louisiana: These are letters which are markings used to draw sounds.)

Anyway, the bombing will obviously be “terrorist related” and it will be important for the US to send in peacekeeping forces to reestablish order and oil production. It is possible that only one oil producing country would have to handled in this way. The other nations would be likely to express dismay that their colleague didn’t mention that the US was being harmed so they could all remedy the situation.

Happy driving!


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