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Why I am not in Charge: Do not Drink the Water

2009-09-14

Category: politics

There are many reasons why I'm not in charge. Most of them have to do with my harshness when dealing with conflict. This is a speech that no one wants to hear me deliver as the leader of the LibertyBob world.

Greetings, Citizens. I know that many of you have concerns about the conflicts in Iraq and in Afghanistan. You would prefer that we remove your sons and daughters from harm's way. To you I offer this bit of good news.

I have ordered all our soldiers to leave Iraq. They will be gone from there within the month. Things in Afghanistan will take longer as our enemies have spread into Pakistan as well. I expect our soldiers to be out of Afghanistan and Pakistan within two months. After this time, I expect very little trouble from the Middle East.

On a related note, our scientists say that estrogen levels in the Iraqi water supply should be back to normal, healthy levels within ten years. The levels of estrogen in the waters of Afghanistan and Pakistan will take longer to settle because of the mountainous terrain. The primary side effects of these extremely high levels of estrogen are that most children born in the next decade in those areas will be female and that men living in the area will develop effeminate characteristics as though they were undergoing preparation for gender reassignment.

I would like to reassure you that we have supplied our soldiers with imported, bottled water for drinking, cooking, and bathing and should not suffer any of the effects of high estrogen levels. More importantly, we will be bringing them home soon.


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