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Another Bin Laden Tape

2009-03-15

Category: politics

Osama bin Laden released another mix tape, this one calling for jihad. If he doesn't pick something new and exciting, he is never going to return to his former glory on the pop charts. That got me thinking, why does he keep releasing tapes that have the same message? We should ask.

As it happens, I saw a couple of the former members of the LibertyBob Psychic Department™ standing on the street corner. They held a cardboard sign proclaiming, "Will Prophesize for Food". Not wanting to lose a chance to humiliate them, I offered to bring them in for a little bit of psychic work related to the bin Laden tape. So, I got the following for a bad pizza and some cheap beer.



LB: The question I have is, why does bin Laden keep releasing tapes calling for jihad? Shouldn't his followers already know that?

Mindiac 1: He is a sickly old man.

Mindiac 2: His brain doesn't work very well.

LB: Can you tell where he is?

Mindiac 2: Even he doesn't know where he is. His brain is too far gone.

LB: What caused that much brain damage? Is he injured?

Mindiac 1: He has Goatiform Encephalitis.

LB: What's that?

Mindiac 2: It's like Mad Goat Disease.

LB: Did he get it from eating a diseased goat?

Mindiac 1: "Eating" is one slang term for it. I'm guessing he swallowed.

LB: Eww. Back to the other subject, why does he keep calling out for jihad?

Mindiac 2: I see bin Laden as a boy. He is running up a sand dune.

Mindiac 1: I can see him too. He carries something with him. It is flat.

Mindiac 2: At the top of the dune, he turns and lies down on the flat thing. It slides down the sand of the dune.

Mindiac 1: Young bin Laden is exhilarated. At the bottom, he hugs the flat thing before running back up the dune to try again.

Mindiac 2: There is something written on the flat thing. It's a word, a single word.

Mindiac 1: That word is "jihad".

LB: You're saying that bin Laden is a sickly old man in his death bed calling for jihad because "jihad" was the name of his sled from when he was a kid. Is that what you're saying?

At that point, the two Mindiacs grabbed the pizza box and the remaining beer and hot-footed it out the door. I am so glad I fired those guys.


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