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Interview with Al Zawahri

2004-03-19

Category: politics

The Pakistani government claims that they have surrounded the al-Qaida's number two guy, Ayman Al-Zawahri. This is a good news type of event. If it's true, I'm sure it's not the only number two in that mud hut, if you take my meaning.

To help us understand better what is going on there, I've had my psychics channel Mr. Al-Zawahri for a brief chat. Here's the transcript:

  • LB: So, Ayman, how are things going?
  • AZ: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, where am I?
  • LB: Oh, you're safe here, for the time being.
  • AZ: Who are you?
  • LB: As far as you know, I'm a messenger from Allah. I've got a few questions for you followed by some instructions.
  • AZ: Great Allah, be merciful.
  • LB: Is it your usual habit to tell Allah what to do?
  • AZ: What? No, I was begging, just begging. I would never…
  • LB: Yeah, sure, what ever. Anyway, how does it feel to have the Pakistanis gunning you down?
  • AZ: They are infidels. They have been taken in by the Great Satan, America.
  • LB: Are not most Pakistanis Muslim?
  • AZ: They say so but they are infidels and idolaters.
  • LB: I guess that's why Allah has you being gunned down in a pit while those infidels walk free and will go home to their families when they are done.
  • AZ: What do you mean? What…
  • LB: Do you fear being captured by the Pakistanis and being handed over to the Americans?
  • AZ: No. They cannot harm my spirit. My reward will be in Paradise. They can beat me, poison me, kill me, or rape me but I will not waver from my faith.
  • LB: Do you really think they will rape you?
  • AZ: Of course they will. Osama told us often that the Americans would rape us if they could. To prepare us, he would sodomize each of us regularly to strengthen us against the American rape.
  • LB: I see. I have instructions for you. You are to write that you have been visited by a messenger of Allah. That messenger has ordered you to write the number five on a piece of paper twenty times. That paper is to be addressed to Osama bin Laden at his exact location. It will be delivered to bin Laden by the Grace of Allah. Do you understand?
  • AZ: Of course, but why?
  • LB: Nevermind why. It's not your place to ask. You go back now.
  • AZ: But, but, I have to ask…

At this point, my psychic ducked and covered his head and the interview ended. (My psychics are getting smarter.)


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