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Terrorist Video

2004-07-12

Category: politics

ABC News reported that they received a video tape of some terrorists (read the story here). The bad guys, part of Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi?s little group, identified themselves, hugged, and then one of them did the suicide bomber thing. This brings up several questions.

First, how can terrorists afford nice video equipment? I don?t have a video camera. I don?t have an editing studio. The only thing I can think of is that these Muslim extremists are making and selling Goat Porn on the side. Maybe there?s a market for that among their brethren. I know I?m not interested in it.

Secondly, since there is a cut between when the idiot introduces himself and the distant image of the truck blowing up, how do we know that was actually him? When I was a dumb punk kid, we wouldn?t have thought twice about mixing video of ourselves with video of some huge event. We would have gladly placed ourselves on the Grassy Knoll because it would have seemed funny to us at the time (regardless of being in poor taste). Of course, we didn?t do anything like that but only because we didn?t video stuff at the time. Video cassette players cost hundreds of dollars back then.

Still, how do we know some kids weren?t thinking, ?I know how to get out of doing chores"? We?ll pretend to do a suicide bombing. We?ll just tape ourselves saying we?re going to do it and then take on the tape of someone else doing it. No one will ever know!? It would work fine till they got hungry and went home. Imagine the irate father, ?You said you were going to blow yourself up and, so help me Merciful Allah, you?re going to blow yourself up!? Probably better to be grounded for a week with no camel privileges.

Another thing that worries me: why did the terrorists give the tape to ABC? The article suggests that the bad guys want a wider audience. Since when has television market share been an issue with terrorists? Is it Sweeps Week in Iraq and Al-Zarqawi wants to beat out what ever NBC has running opposite him? Is it easier to get advertisers if you have better terrorist ratings? ?Tonight?s car bombing was brought to you by Abdul?s Camels. If you can find the same camel for a lower price, we?ll give you double the difference back.?

The final question is one that the terrorists themselves should be asking. If Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi is such a devout believer in the cause, why hasn?t he taken the short drive to Paradise? I mean, I understand what?s going on. If I were the leader of some group of moronic zealots, I would be plenty happy to strap bombs on them and send them into oblivion. Why hasn?t any of his followers ever asked, ?So, uh, Abu, when do you think it?s going to be your turn?? Such a follower would probably be quickly labeled a heretic and then shot instantly.

For the benefit of Al-Zarqawi?s followers, I?ll offer this advice. It?s all in how you say it. Try this monologue. ?You know fellows, Abu has done so much for us all these years and we have done so little for him. Sure, we have followed his orders in the service of Allah, but what have we really done for him? He deserves nothing less than Paradise. We should not be so selfish in these missions. It?s time we let Abu go and experience his well-earned honors. Every body now: For he?s a jolly good fellow?? Everyone singing will drown out Al-Zarqawi?s protests of modesty while you strap an explosive device across his torso and send him to his reward.

When it comes down to it, I prefer suicide bombers to the more devious blow-you-up-from-a-safe-distance-away bombers. If they are going to be blowing people up, I would prefer that they take themselves out too. It would be nice to have a van drive around at random with some sort of sonic device that detonates bombs to disorient and kill suicide bombers. That may be a bit science-fictiony though. I?ll have to work on it.


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