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Where is the CIA

2003-02-15

Category: politics

Where is the CIA? Did someone steal them? Did they go out of business? I know they had a reputation for being a bit shady, but we could probably use them right now. There are many situations in the world right now that would be just perfect for their particular bit of trickery.

For decades now we have been told that the CIA were ruthless and evil. We were told that they had no compunctions against interfering in the business of other nations and swaying things to the benefit of the United States, even if only for short term benefit. Now we have this war on terror and the Iraq standoff as well as the problem with North Korea. Surely our CIA should be out there disrupting the political structures of these enemies.

Take Iraq as an example. Here we have a country controlled by a sadistic tyrant who rose to power through assassination and conniving. He has killed most of the people who would oppose him in his country. The only Iraqis who will speak out against him are the ones who live elsewhere with no intention of going back. For his own political gain, he attacked Iran in a war lasting eight years and killing or wounding much of his military. He attacks people because they are not from his clan. He used poison gas on Kurdish families simply because they are not his people.

This looks like a job for the CIA. I mean the old CIA, the supply weapons and drugs and assassinate people CIA. We need our boys in shadows to be out there tearing this bastard down. Right now, he has claimed that Iraq has no poison gas. Britain and the US are ready to pounce at the first sign that he lied about it. It would be the perfect time for the Kurds to start trouble again. What's he going to do, nuke them?

This would be a perfect time for the CIA to be handing weapons to the Kurds. The region is littered with those old guns. We have tons of them from Afghanistan. I'm sure the Kurds would be plenty happy to have the chance at establishing themselves. If the Kurds or some other indigenous people want to fight against Saddam, they are encouraged to do so.

So, how would this benefit the US? First, it means that the locals can openly ask for help from foreigners. If we are helping locals then we aren't there for imperialist reasons. It also means that we can do so without France vetoing anything that the UN might do. Afterall, we would just be lending humanitarian aid to an oppressed people. Who could oppose that?

Secondly, it would get rid of the current regime. This regime is decidedly anti-west. It sponsors and otherwise encourages terrorism against western nations. It is also important to note that the regime is responsible for serious environmental damage in the Iraq area. The absence of this government would be a step toward improved safety and political stability for the world.

Third, the new government in Iraq would have to at least pretend to be friendly with the US for a while. Low oil prices, pro-democracy, in favor of US military bases in the area, these are just a few benefits of helping a new government take power.

It is important to note that the new government is unlikely to be a democratic republic. The culture there just isn't well suited to that sort of thing. Though the new government might be a step in that direction, I wouldn't expect any miracles. They will be happy to be free from Hussein, but they will see even a little freedom as being a big jump from that with which they are comfortable.

I miss the old days of the CIA. People were appalled at things like the Iran-Contra scandal and things of that sort. That's why we have a CIA, to do those things that we openly agree are naughty but that are good for the nation in the long run.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I am quite aware of the fact the the CIA is prohibited by law from doing the things I have proposed here. I also really doubt that the CIA, as an organization, actually did all of the things the rumor mongers would have us belive. It's just my point that it's too bad that the CIA isn't that sometimes.


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