Red Winged Black Bird on a fence post in a field.

Interview with Osama


Category: politics

Once again Osama bin Laden has released a tape in an effort to tell his cronies what to do to the world. For those of us on his hit list, this is very disturbing news. I thought I needed to find out more.

To do that, I enlisted the help of a psychic who helps channel the minds and spirits of tyrannical dumb*sses. For all practical purposes, I interviewed bin Laden with the help of my anonymous psychic. Here's the transcript:

LB: Welcome Mr. bin Laden.

ObL: Where am I? What is going on?

LB: As far as you know I am a messenger from Allah. Now calm yourself and answer my questions.

ObL: I don't understand.

LB: Shut up. Now, you have been encouraging your followers to attack the United States and any country that helps the United States. Is this true?

ObL: Oh, the name of that country hurts my ears. They are the great evil. We must destroy them.

LB: That seems to ascribe great importance to the United States. Doesn't that seem like idolatry to you?

ObL: What? No. Definitely not. I oppose idolatry. They are idolaters with their fancy food and health care. My followers know who is evil. My people will destroy the United States.

LB: There's that phrase again. You say they are your people? Should they not be Allah's people? By treating them as though they are "your" people aren't you trying to set yourself to the same level as the Prophet or maybe even Allah himself.

ObL: No, that's not what I'm doing. I'm doing the work of Allah. Someone has to lead these people, see I said "these" and not "my", to war against the infidels.

LB: And Allah told you explicitly to do this?

ObL: Well, not exactly. I'm sure I read it somewhere. Maybe in the Koran or something…

LB: So, Allah didn't tell you to do all of this; you just picked it up somewhere.

ObL: I think it was al Wahhab, something he wrote.

LB: So, not only are you not following Allah but you are treating this al Wahhab as though he was a prophet. That sounds suspiciously like idolatry.

ObL: No. You make me want to pull out my beard.

LB: Seems like you put a lot of value in that beard. I think you are an idolater.

ObL: What do you want from me?

LB: Remember how I said that as far as you know I'm a messenger of Allah?

ObL: Yes.

LB: Now listen to this. There are only two great evils in the world. The one you need to worry about most is France. You've seen the lush valleys and stuff there. What do the French do? They grow grapes and make wine. You know you aren't supposed to drink the fermentation of the grape. So you take Allah's people who will follow you and go to France. Get out of every other country and go completely to France. Allah will send you another message when you get there.

ObL: I will do this but it will take time.

LB: Well, try to hurry it up a bit. Tell the guys that we've increased the reward to one hundred and forty-four virgins in the afterlife. Tell them that we will also increase your military knowledge when you get there.

ObL: Our military knowledge will be increase? This is wonderful news. What sort of things will we learn in France?

LB: You'll be introduced to American nuclear weapons technology.

ObL: What? How?

LB: Been nice talking to you. You go on back and move everybody to France now.

ObL: But I need to know…

At this point I had to use the flat of my palm to inform my psychic that the session was over.

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