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Class Action Phone Call Litigation

2008-10-13

Category: politics

The election draws closer. We are inundated by it constantly. It's bad enough when it is on the news so widely, but it is worse when it invades out private space. The absolute worst is when they call us on the phone. That's why I propose litigation against all major political parties on behalf of all persons living in the United States who happen to have a phone.

The opponents will talk about their right to free speech. This right is not the point. Though they have the right to say whatever they want, they do not have the right to intrude into your personal space and time to try to make you listen to their speech. That's where they are in fact harassing the American people.

We can put a stop to this. We can band together and make this theft of our time stop now. We can gather for one of those class action thingies and litigate against the major political parties to put an end to this. What's more, it will make us all rich.

See, my plan is that we sue the major parties and demand that they pay each American who has a phone a sum of ten million dollars. There's got to be like two hundred million phone owners in the country. That would be like a butt-load of money. The parties would have to pay it and they wouldn't have any money left at all. They couldn't afford to harass a sickly pigeon.

There are only four possible problems with this plan. First, we would have to organize everybody to sue all the parties and a large number of people would only want to sue the party they don't like. The second problem is that the lawyers and judges involved may have political ambitions of their own and not want to cut off one of their best tools. Third, the politicians would just pass a new law that would make calling people mandatory. Finally, if we were successful it would just cause the political parties to start calling for the fundraising needed to pay off their new uppity-million dollar judgment.

Though I'm still convinced that such litigation would be fun and profitable, it may have to wait a while. Till then I will just have to amuse myself by talking to the callers about my opinions on their ancestry.


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