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Another Interview with Osama bin Laden

2004-03-23

Category: politics

Some time ago, I used one of my psychics to conduct an interview with Osama bin Laden. Since some time has passed and the Pakistanis are pounding his Number Two, I thought I should check in with him again.

ObL: Where am I?
LB: I?ll ask the questions here.
ObL: Oh no, not you again.
LB: Remember that I said as far as you know, I am a messenger from Allah. Is that how you react to Allah?s works?
ObL: What? No, of course not. I was just caught by surprise. Please forgive me Oh Merciful Allah.
LB: I?m not Allah. Now shut up so we can get this over with. Why aren?t you in France?
ObL: I?m trying. It takes time to get Allah?s people to move. There are Americans everywhere trying to shoot us dead. It is all very terrible.
LB: Maybe it wouldn?t be so terrible if you were in France. It shouldn?t be too hard to motivate a nice Jihad against France. We convinced the French to outlaw Islamic clothing. That?s a direct attack on Islam. You still couldn?t get people to go?
ObL: We are working on it. You didn?t specify a time frame so we were going to take our time and do it right.
LB: Uh huh, right. Well, you have a time frame now. Allah wants you and all His people who will follow you to be in France before Ramadan. Notice I said France. That means not England, not Spain, not Germany, not the United States, you are to go to France. You got that?
ObL: Oh yes, Merciful One. Only France.
LB: Don?t call me ?Merciful One?. If Allah would let me, I would shave your beard and feed it to a goat. Allah might be merciful, but he doesn?t have to smell you. Just call me messenger.
ObL: Yes, Messenger. I will lead Allah?s people to France. We will be there by Ramadan.
LB: Also, stop blowing stuff up and shooting stuff. You?re going to want to have all that ammo with you when you get to France.
ObL: Oh yes, messenger. I will surely do this.
LB: If you need a little motivation to get on the move, remember this. I had a talk with Al Zawahri the other day. I instructed him to write a letter for you. He has addressed a copy to each of your hiding places. When the Pakistanis capture him in a day or two, they will find the letters and hand them to the Americans who will then know about all your hiding places. Sounds like you better skedaddle.
ObL: What! The Americans! I must go now. I must go immediately to France. France does not like the Americans. I can go there.
LB: Yea, you better get started. Isn?t that an American plane flying overhead? Maybe it?s a bomber.
ObL: Yipes!

At this point, bin Laden went back to his own body in Chicago. My psychic took a couple of deep breaths and then looked down, realizing that bin Laden had wet himself. Sure, it was bin Laden.


Comments (4)
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...and in domestic news, research has shown that your father left because you were such a disappointment.